Cheap Charlie

"Charlie" had potential y'all. He really did. But he may take the cake for the cheapest and most financially obsessed human being I have ever met.

He looked good pictures, seemed like an intelligent, motivated, and active individual, and actually had a picture of himself IN Croatia. Crazy! We'd at least have something to talk about. I tend to be more of a phone person than an message writer (strange, right? I blog...) so I gave Charlie my number and when he first called me we chatted for almost 4 hours on the phone. I was excited to meet him and we made plans to get brunch on Sunday.

So Charlie picks me up, and his car is actually one I am considering purchasing! I tell him so. He tells me about the great deal he got, how good the resale value is, how much his monthly payments are. Sort of odd details to share, but I'm not alarmed yet.

We start talking about work, and I ask about the actual location of his company. He tells me he commutes about 30miles each way to work, and is considering applying for jobs in downtown Seattle. He has calculated he would save about $40 a week in gas if he takes the bus. Which adds up to almost 15% of his rent or half of his current monthly student loan payment.

Hmmm... cool?

I start thinking maybe it would be better to talk about the here and now. Like the breakfast menu. Charlie tells me he likes this place, but a Denny's grand slam is $6 cheaper than the equivalent at this local joint.

I'm officially uncomfortable.

I tell him I'm having a hard time deciding. Charlie offers me the following advice:

"It's a better value to get this one, because you get french toast as well. And it's the same price. Even if you don't eat the french toast you can save it for later. And you get a trip to the toppings bar. But only one trip so you have to fit as much on your plate as possible. I find if you put the whipped cream on top instead of on the side you can get the toppings to stick better and get more for your money."
 
See ya Charlie. You are too much for me. I hope you find a girl who's as excited to save $6 at Denny's as you are.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good bargain. But on designer shoes, not on first date.

judge away

XOXO,
Ms. Matched

if you wear these on a first date

there will be no second date.

XOXO

Ms. Matched (via Saharan Sweetheart)

just your everyday perverts

Hello dear readers! I apologize for the week gap in between posts. I've been SLAMMED at my "day job" and worked about 60 hours this week, including both days this weekend. But you don't want to read about that. You want to read about the freaks who try to date me.

So we all know the internet is jam packed with sex addicts and lonely perverts and it seems Match.com is no exception. Here's a few winners from especially pervy message category.

pervy compliment
you are very very sexxxy. I love you body and I would love to see it in person. very sexy. yummmm.


pervy question:
so how do you like to express yourself sexually?


pervy closing paragraph:
When you respond back, I might share with you some of my bad boy thoughts and fantasies. You might have what it takes to bring out the hidden qualities in me. One final thing that I think you deserve and ought to know - i'm not looking for cyber sex or online fantasies. If you are not interested in an in-person meeting, don't reply. Delete my email and pass up on a wild and exciting adventure


Though I wish I could glorify this post and describe one of these people in person, I have been blessed with the better judgement to keep these freaks online. And on Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator", where they belong.

Other updates:

• I ran into Saint Daniel crossing the street on my way to the gym at 6:30 am this week. Avoided eye contact. This city is much too small.
• MASS TEXT MAX DIDN'T TEXT ME ON FRIDAY! First time in 7 weeks. Three possible reasons: 
1. He met a Mass Text Maxine who was all about him. 
2. He got a clue and realized I didn't respond to him for almost two months (I feel this is the least likely option). 
3. He stumbled across my blog. If you're out there "Max", thank you. And, with the utmost respect, I hope to never hear from you again :-)

XOXO,

Ms. Matched

what's in a name?

Everything.

I recently had a hysterical conversation with a fabulous friend of mine in Los Angeles; also a recent Match.com member. She had just been "winked" at by a fellow named Morbo. "ABSOLUTELY NOT" she said. Not only was he "gastric bypass worthy" but his name was MORBO. I had just been winked at by someone with the username Doctor_43... who was sadly not a doctor. But very much 43.

So maybe Morbo couldn't help it. Of course real names aren't a deal breaker for me but I really do think that usernames are particularly important in the digital dating space... and people try much to hard to think of creative ones.

Here are a few EPIC failures :

• WarHeathen - That just has domestic violence written all over it. Stay away.
• ShiftyMute - You WOULD wink at me...
• ManOfMystery -  The mystery: married or pedophile?
• ABC_PlayWithMe - No mystery there... pedophile.
• Soapypapoose - Native American pedophile? But a clean one.
• RelishAndBeans - No comment.
• KosherCassanova - For all you Jewish girls out there.
• DoWorkSon - Why don't you just call yourself FratDick? Basically synonymous. 
• Got2HaveKemistry - You all know how I feel about chemistry spelled with a K.
• Hrdyouwerelkn4me - Who, the cops?
• Red_Eyes_R_Blue - I don't smoke weed. Thanks though.

I mean really... this is just too much sometimes. Too much. But it's great to have so many friends in the same boat to share stories with. Especially friends as hysterical as Soraya.

Her face when she thinks of Morbo

Have y'all run into any particularly awful match.com usernames? Please share!

XOXO
Ms. Matched

Mass Text Max

One of the very first Match.com messages I received on my very first day on the site was from this fellow who we can refer to as "Max".

Seems like a nice guy, well traveled at least. No red flags. But I get a lot of messages and after responding once or twice I kind of dropped the ball and stopped responding. And to be honest I never looked back.

But a few weeks later Max "winked" at me (which seems to be the equivalent of the Facebook poke) and sent me another message... and I sort of pity responded. I felt bad! He seemed okay, at least okay enough to buy me a drink. And maybe he was really cool in person. So I gave him my number.

The following Friday was my company holiday party. My lovely date Molly and I had a great time. Open bar, free food, and taxi vouchers provided. Around 9 or 10pm I get a "hey whats up" text message from Max.

I had had a few drinks by this time and was in a silly mood. I responded:

 "is this a mass text to all your match girls?"

I put my phone down for about fifteen minutes and pick it up the check the time. I have 5 text messages from Max.

"No... why?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Mia?!"

"Ok well I am crawling into bed"

"That is really a very serious accusation and I hope we can talk about the inaccuracies of it tomorrow. Goodnight Mia"

All from a person I have not only never met, but never spoken to on the phone. Terrifying. I responded:

"I was kidding. I'm at my company holiday party. I've never met you..."

Max texted me several times the following day - all with no response from me. You would think the kid would get a clue and naturally that would be the last of it.

This was about six weeks ago... I still get a Friday "hey whats up" text message EVERY WEEK from Max with no response from me since the holiday party incident. You would think he would have removed me from his "match girls" mass text group. I am contemplating asking him to.

But no more pity responses from me, that's for sure! YIKES! For now I'm sticking with Molly as my date.

Molly and I in college

XOXO
Ms. Matched

if your profile includes any combination of the following:

• a picture of you wearing a black, short-sleeved, button-up shirt with flames.
• the tagline "divorce: future tense of marriage"
• well over 700 words... and no punctuation.
• the word chemistry spelled "kemistry"
• a picture taken with your phone of yourself in the bathroom without a shirt on.

You might need more help getting a date than Match.com can provide.

In other news, Match.com recently (I think) invented a fantastic little feature called "message filtering". So now I automatically have mail from anyone over 30 and/or shorter than 5'11 put away in a little pile where I never have to see them! Unless I choose to dig into the folder, and I'm not quite there yet. You can do this for almost any criteria. Religion, education, smoking habits, etc.

Unfortunately you can't filter for poor spelling. And pictures with short-sleeved button up shirts with flames. Maybe they can add that to the filters? I will make the suggestion.

Tell me readers, what would YOU filter?

XOXO

Ms. Matched

i'd guess i'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints

For as progressive and liberal as I am in many aspects of my life... I'm relatively traditional, perhaps even old fashioned, in a lot of personal ways. My Christian faith is a part of my life, but I am generally more attracted to people who I identify with politically and intellectually more than I do spiritually.

With this "dawning on a new era" I thought it'd be good try to something new. I would aim to stop looking solely at intellect and ambition. It might be good for me to try to date a man with some "good old fashioned family values". Someone who's mama raised 'em right. A churchgoing man who still opens doors. Maybe that's what I need...someone loyal and moral to keep me grounded. And i'd kill two birds with one stone if he was intellectual as well.

Enter "Daniel".

Late twenties. Attorney at a downtown law firm. Raised in a small town in Idaho. He seems close with his family, strong in his faith, and grounded. Daniel and I chatted on the phone before we met and I had no reservations. We chatted about our upcoming weekends, I told him about a get together with some sorority sisters on Saturday night, and the two of us made plans to meet for coffee Sunday afternoon.

I was running errands Sunday and didn't give myself enough time to get to the coffee shop on time. I asked him we could push back 15 mins or so and he pleasantly agreed.

I arrive at the coffee shop to find a skinny awkward version of the photograph I had seen days before on Match. In an awkward and somewhat condescending fashion, Daniel proceeds to ask me if I was late because I was "recovering from my hangover".

I laugh it off and attempt start a normal conversation but I'm already counting down the seconds till I can leave. We begin to talk about travel, and I speak of my trip to Europe after graduating college. When Daniel asks who I went with on this trip I tell him, somewhat hesitantly, "my boyfriend at the time."

He looks me straight in the eye and remarks "Oh... living in sin?"

Never have I downed a latte faster in my life. But amazingly my sinful past wasn't enough to stop Saint Daniel from calling me a few times the following week. And I ignored.

Interestingly enough I was also an angel for Halloween this year prior to meeting Daniel. But really...small town religious?! Me?! What was I thinking?!

the face of sin

XOXO
Ms. Matched

ethnic elitists

If you didn't already know, I'm a first generation immigrant from Croatia. I have dual citizenship and I have lived in the United States since I was a toddler.

Though I would say my family is extremely proud of our heritage my parents have never once put any pressure on me to date/marry someone Croatian. Don't get me wrong, it would be great to randomly fall in love with someone who happened to have ties to Croatia. However the idea of needing to end up with someone Croatian seems prehistoric to me.

That's why I am always baffled when I receive messages from Croatian men from all over the United States stoked to have found me. Often times they introduce themselves by telling me they did a simple search query of "Croatian" in the Match.com keywords. One was even kind enough to voluntarily pass along the site "CroatianSingles.com". Another didn't have any pictures on his profile, but assured me in his message that he was attractive. But my very favorite comes from a 42 year old Croatian man in Ontario, Canada. His message includes the following requests: 

"Like me, you should be Catholic. Have have no kids, never been married, or lived common law."

Well, Cro-ntario. Though I do not have kids, have never been married or lived common law, I am not your Croatian bride to-be. You see, I also have some requests. Since you seemed to have missed everything on my profile except my heritage I can outline just a few:

1. I'd like someone under 30, or at least closer to my age then my mother's.
2. I know I'm being picky, but I'd prefer to reside in the same country.
3. I'd also like to have something in common with someone I date, other than just my nationality. 

XOXO
Ms. Matched

hide yo wives

I recently received a message from a gentleman who we can refer to as Buck. Buck writes:

"hi my name is buck. i'm 26 and single. do you want to talk sometime?"

OBVIOUSLY you're single. You're on Match.com. And I can see your age on your profile. Buck, if you have nothing more compelling to tell me about yourself I would rather eat a spider than date you. Delete.


In the meantime, my roommate K is excited about a potential match who we will call Joe.

Joe seems great! K thinks he's a hottie, seems funny, kind, mature, and really interested in K. He sends very flattering messages, and eventually offers K his personal email address for additional correspondence. Seems sort of odd to me, why not his number? But I don't want to be overly critical. K takes him up on this email address offer and shoots him an email.

And she receives a "thanks but no thanks" email back from JOE'S WIFE. 

Maybe Buck isn't so bad after all.  At least he's single. I think.

XOXO
Ms. Matched

the time has come:

I'm two years out of college... and out of patience for the drunk losers at the bars. I have the world's best friends, a wonderful family, and a great job. Though I lead an abundant, active, and social life already full of laughter and love I don't really find myself meeting new people. I'm now several months removed from a serious relationship and ready to meet someone tall, dark, and handsome with a heart of gold.

So Match.com?! I'm a huge believer in the ROI of the digital marketing space, so it would seem more than natural that I become a believer in digital dating. I have an older sorority sister who is happily married off of her match experience, a blissful coworker who swears by the site, and a family friend who thinks she's met the one. I also have two equally brave roomies who signed up months prior to me.

We have found a conglomeration of ridiculously entertaining experiences that you may find here. Some in the digital space, and some brought to life on first (AND LAST) dates.

So if we have this many atrocious and awkward stories to share with the world, why continue to put ourselves out there?

Blogging material.

But I have to admit that every once in a blue moon I meet someone who makes me smile, makes me laugh, or better yet gives me butterflies. Though these are few and far between, the free meals and drinks don't hurt either.

Cheers!
XOXO

Ms. Matched